Holidays..... SUCK

Beginning around a week before Thanksgiving all the way through new years my life goes haywire.  I spend too much time in self doubt.  I redicule myself and put my self down.  Years and years of repeated abuse has taught my mind and body that I will be unhappy in the holidays.

I've changed my direction and begun to celebrate the pagan holidays instead.  We'll see how that goes.

I long for happy holidays.

What's a Man?

So what makes a man a man. Is it a name? A Penis?  A way of thinking?  What is it really that makes one be a man.  I think about this all the time as I watch the transition around me.  Last night a quick glance and all I thought was "man".  I never thought I would be in this situation.  I'm not put off by it at all. I like it.  But what is it that I like?  The play on gender? The power transfer?  What is it?  Am I lesbian?  I just don't know.

I do know it's right.  I do know that I want to be here.  I do know that I love my life completely.

So then.. what makes a man?  I know, a spiffy new hair cut, going to the gym, quiting bad habits and starting new good ones; dropping a pant size and raising the bicep size and standing behind him is a woman who loves him.

What on EARTH??

It's been a crazy week. I was scheduled to have vacation and then everything just exploded. My hard drive crashed and died.  My sister is pregnant again... not the one with the job mind you.  It's just been crazy.

I'm working on a project for work for the last year and it's coming down to just a few days from completion so each time I run into a problem I just know I'm going to miss my deadline.

Ramble ramble... I'm nearly out of meds, my new insurance is stupid.


Sweet Misery....

As some of you may know I've been working on getting back into shape after turning 40.  At might highest I weighed just over 300 lbs.  At my lowest I weighed 108.  Day before yesterday I met my goal of losing 100 lbs before Yule by changing my diet.  I cut out refined sugar, sugar substitutes and meat. 

Last night I watched a show called Sweet Misery - A poisoned World.  I was amazed at how the FDA and the Government allowed this dangerous poison to be on the market.  Do all you can to avoid aspartame.  It's death covered in diet chocolate!!

BiPolar Disorder

So what makes a nut?  I'm not sure. I know that I spend everyday with the crazy stuff in my head.  I rework it and open it and pull and sort it and I can't change it.  I just keep trying to find out why I do the things I do, why I do open the doors I open, why do I bounce around the room from thought to thought without any boundaries.

Yes, I'm bipolar.

A Mother's Love.....

So this past week was insane.  I took PTO from work for the week and started working on all the cool things I needed to get done before the week was out.  Wednesday came rolling around and I was over at my mother's to help her move.

Perhaps saying that I was at my mother's to dig her out of the filth she was living in is a better choice of words.  My mother has never been much of a house keeper ... add that to having two of her kids living with her with their kids.. Fatherless of course and that she's had a quadruple bypass well you get the picture.  There was crap everywhere.  And I mean everywhere.  Trash, clothes, food, more trash and more trash.  One of my younger sisters, the one with two kids under 12 and no husband as apposed to the one with one kid under 1 and no husband, were suppose to help get our mother packed.

Needless to say that didn't happen.  I was there for over six hours cleaning up the crap left by my disgusting family.  I come home and send a facebook message to her, basically bitching her out for not staying to help out.  GET THIS.  She TELLS on me!  Yes, you heard me, this 37 year old mother of two, instead of talking to me like an adult, calls our mother!!  Wait it gets better.... My mother calls me and tells me to leave her alone!!  What am I? Two Years old???  You've got to be kidding me.

I just can't take any more crap from her.  I've had it. She tossed me aside when I was a baby to run off and party with her friends.  She left me with my grandmother to take care of along with my cousin, who's mother was what??? Yes off partying as well.  She then had more babies and ended up marring a man who molested me until I ran away from home at 15 years old.

Once again, my dear sweet mother picked someone else over me.  One more time after I sat and picked up her garbage and tried to take care of her, I was sacrificed.


I've decided that I'm done.  My mother is dead to me.  She's been dead for a long time I just didn't want to accept it.  I have now.  It's done.