Embrace the Sparkle #9

Long time no sparkle eh?

No not really. I've been having a pretty active set of days since Thanksgiving. I've found a pattern to some of my manias. Many of the occur between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day. As with many others the holidays are not easy times for me. Much of my time is spent speeding around the house.

I spend this time working. Working and more working. If I actually took time off during these two month's I'd probably go completely whack-a-doodle. I remember as a kid being at home the week before Christmas. My Stepfather played music in a country band. Most of the time we were left home with me babysitting my sisters. My mother would go to the bar with him and tell us to "be good" and you know how that goes. On one of these baby sitting trips I ended up walking with my two little sisters to the mall, my youngest at the time was about 7. She ended up breaking her arm as we ran down the rail road tracks to the Mall. Not the best example, but then I was only 11 or 12 years old.

However, that's not really the point of this story, Christmas, yes that's the point. Today I don't have a Christmas tree in my house. Because year after year after year my step father could get drunk and tear it down.

I remember being awoke by his screaming and yelling or him dragging me out of bed and standing me in front of the tree calling me "whore" or "slut". He was an awful awful man. He was physically, emotionally and sexually abusive to me from age 5 until I ran away from home at 15. It didn't matter the month, if it was Friday or Saturday and his drunk ass was at home, we got bitched at. Years ago my Christmas tree fell over in my house and I nearly had a nervous breakdown. From that day forward no more trees.

We drive to my grandmother's for Christmas dinner, yelling and cussing in the car the entire way was my horrible step father. As we pulled up in the drive way we were warned to keep our mouths shut or we'd "GET IT". Then out of the car he'd pop out smiling, my mother by his side acting as if nothing had happened. The exact same scene played at Thanksgiving, minus the Christmas tree battle.

This year was the first year that hubby had to work so I was at grandma's with my Mother alone, on both days. I did have an Aunt there that helped keep me sane, however on New Year's Day, it was just me. Just me there with my mom, who by all accounts is a complete nut job that at times I think cannot even remember who I am. She grunted at me and when I tried to speak to her, jumped at me a bit much like Christmas and Thanksgiving.

I stayed a grand total of 20 minutes before I was out the door. Just couldn't take it. I battled the entire drive home to avoid all the fast food joints and junk food I could just to make it home to hide. At least I didn't binge, that's all I kept saying.

Today it seems a lifetime ago even though it was only a few days. I share my mother with 3 other siblings however I was the only one there that day. The only one that speaks to me had to work so I had to face those demons alone and failed miserably. My mind has been racing, I've barely slept and been going going going since then.

I know it's going to be slowing down soon. I have to embrace it, stop fighting it. Become one with the Sparkle. Understand that the sparkle is there to protect me. It keeps me from those that would hurt me and helps me know that I can do anything. (with in reason) I embrace the sparkle but keep my feet on the ground. I'm very proud of myself for keeping it together. I've even thought up several new crafts I want to work on for the Etsy Shop and come up with three or four great ideas for work.

This is when they come to me. I get so creative during this time. My energies flow and the ideas just come and come. Sometimes I wish I could stay here forever. But I know it makes those around me a bit crazy to deal with the go go go go .....

I'm hoping for some slow down soon.. maybe before my birthday... yea... maybe ...

Embrace the Sparkle
Namaste & Blessed Be


Alexis Kennedy said...

((((((((Sosanna))))))).. how brave of you to share this with us! What a terrible, awful life to have led at such a young age, too. I'm so glad you were able to come out of that and transform your life into what it is today. I am proud and honored to call you my friend and sister. Hugs!

AmethJera said...

The holidays-whatever holiday it may be-seems to bring the worst out of some people. It's funny how there are so many of us in this generation that have similar bad memories from those particular times of year. Parents getting drunk and being abusive seem to be a reoccurring theme. It happened in my house, too-it happened in a lot of our childhood homes. Too much drinking,too many family fights, too many lost holidays and too many bad memories. (Sigh) We make what we will and what we can from them and move on.

Sosanna said...

Awww your comment made me cry... hugs back to ya Kallan. It was indeed awful. So much so I've blocked a lot of it out. I may start a blog series on some of the memories, maybe it will help me. Thanks so much for being there.

Vickie said...

Many, MANY GREAT BIG HUGS!! Thank you for sharing some of your demons with us. By being such a brave soul, you give others of us hope, hope that for some like me have kept our demons buried so deeply and pray they never find the light of day.

I too am deeply honored to call you Sister!

Anonymous said...

Oh, Sosanna, hon... <3 It speaks a lot of you as a person to not only get through all that and make it through as amazing you are, but to share it with us as well!! You're such an incredible person and a great inspiration, you seriously are.

And despite your history with the holiday season, I really hope you had a wonderful Yule and a very blessed new year. Much love and many hugs!!

Sosanna said...

Thanks so much for the wonderful support. You're all such wonderful friends and I appreciate you all. It was a good Yule. I didn't get a chance to fix my altar how I wanted with the visiting mania, but I'm shooting for better luck next time. :)

Stephanie said...

Oh Sosanna how horrible it was for you. I cryed for you while reading this. I do believe you should write these memories down. I think they will make you feel better and plus you might inspire a young witch who is going through something horrible that you can come out of dark and go to the light. :)

Diandra said...

I honestly do not really understand why you went there in the first place. Those people did not help you, they are not good for you even today. You worked your way out of there all on your own, so why do you keep going back there, even if it is only for visits? Sometimes we are better off without "family".

Sosanna said...

Thanks for your comments, Stevie, the more I think about it the more I may just go ahead and write a few posts around some of my experiences. I've often thought of doing that but with the response I've had though comments and via email I think I may just do it.

Diandra, the reason I go there is because my Grandmother is there. She's 97 years old. As long as I can remember she was wonderful to me. She raised me until I was five when I then went to live with my mother and stepfather. He never "hurt" me there so it "was" my safe place. All my good memories are being with her. She taught me to crochet and how to treat others how I wanted to be treated. I learned the home remedies from her and believe that my connection to the spirit world came directly from her. When she is gone there will be nothing more for me there. Even though my mother is only 60, I don't see her living much longer. She's very bad health and doesn't take care of herself. My stepfather passed many many years ago. So he's out of the picture.

For 12 years I lived in Norfolk (4 hours away) and then 4 years I lived in San Diego. About 5 years ago I moved back here with my hubby. He wanted seasons. I "thought" I was better and this place wouldn't bother me, but it has indeed dug up old memories and feelings that I thought were gone. We are currently looking for jobs for him outside the state so we can move.

I agree sometimes those families of birth are not the ones you need to surround yourself with.

Thanks so much for you comments. Blessed Be.