Loving Your Inner Child - Part 1

I want to start this post out with a trigger warning. I talk about abuse and how I dealt with it as a child and as now a grown up. For those that are triggered easily, I recommend avoiding this series. I'll put this warning up before each of these.

I didn't get to be a child. I was always, "The Oldest". My understanding is that I started off life living with my grandmother. My mother was running around a bit and really didn't have time for a child. I lived with my grandmother and my cousin Tony. We stayed in a little house built by my grandfather. He passed away well before Tony or I were born. I lived with my grandmother until about 5 or 6 years old. I then moved to live with my mother and my step-father. I had a younger sister there as well. He was her step-father too.

There are not too many things I remember about my childhood. Most are full of pain. My very very first memory is me in a classroom. I couldn't have been more than 6 or 7 years old. I think I was in Kindergarten because we had our names on our desk in the block writing tablets. The ones that teach you how to write your letters.

There was a little girl there, she sat next to me. At playtime we ran outside to play and she said, I have a secret. I said you do? What is it? She said, my daddy kisses me down there. I said, yours does? My does too!!! She looked me right in my eye and said NO you're lying! My daddy said I'm special I'm the only one. From that day forward I never told another soul until I ran away from home at 15 years old. To this day I think about that first day at school and I wonder how my life may have been different if a teacher had her us talking. Or if I had told another adult. I wonder if anyone would have saved me. Did I really deserve saving?

Photo Credit - Renee Olson

I think back about that little girl, not the one that told me I was lying, I think about the one in me. The one that was hurt and alone. She is still there. Small and sad. She didn't get toys to play with or hugs from someone just because. All the love was conditional and hurtful. So today, I give her things. I buy her toys from the little machines and I give her little things. Things that she can cup in her, things that make her smile. Sometimes the smallest gift can mean the most.

Here are some of her things.

Photo Credit - Renee Olson

Photo Credit - Renee Olson

Photo Credit - Renee Olson

Photo Credit - Renee Olson

She likes little things. And in a small way it helps. Today I put this little things in my office. I find a new one ever so often and add it to the collection. I read a story a while back about how fairies collect little things, buttons and shiny things and store them behind their fairy door, it reminds me of my collection.

Photo Credit - Renee Olson

I have good days, and I have bad days. Sometimes I get sad. But usually I am up and happy. I have so much to be thankful for. I have wonderful friends and family of choice. Once strangers are now sisters and brothers. I have so much positive that I try to let the negative come in, sit a minute and then send it on its way. Because remember, I am a sum of my parts... all of them.  My negative and my positive make me who I am today. And I <3 ME.

For those out there that are struggling with demons in the past, or with childhood things, I highly recommend finding someone you can trust to talk to. Find someone you can share these things with. One of the best things you can do is buy a coloring book and a box of crayons. Set these as your special things, for those times when you just need to sit down and escape from the grown up world. It really helps.

For those that need someone to talk to, here are a few resources. I had family that thought "something was wrong" when I stopped tying my shoes and forgot my ABCs, but no action was taken. If you "think" something is wrong, ask questions. You might be saving a life.

Survivors of Incest Anonymous
Adult Children of Alcoholics
Adult Survivors of Child Abuse
Recognizing and Preventing Child Abuse

Sending out positive energies to all.

Namaste and Blessed Be


Rowan Phoenix said...

Thanks for posting this, it had to be hard for you to do this, but I'm glad you did. Talking is very important, if we hold it in, it begins to eat at us, and undermines everything we try to build. I didn't have the same situation, but I can relate. I think it's wonderful that you can give her the love and little things that she can enjoy and make her happy. I'm sorry for the sad and lonely little girl who didn't get the love she deserved as a precious gift that she was. Know that I send you love and peace daily. Blessed be my friend!

Stephanie said...

I am so glad you could share this with us. I could feel your pain and sadness and it hurts. I hope tell this in your blog is giving you the peace you need. Letting it out is good thearpy and cheap. :) I am sad this happened to you but like that saying says WHAT DOESN'T KILL US MAKES US STRONGER. Us adults always needs something to help us get away. We all need our moments and I have mine. I will lay in bed or sit on my couch when everyone is asleep and just cry...Cry and cry until it hurts. Then the next day I feel better. I will send love your way and peace for you r inner child. Blessed be.

Ashley L. Evans said...

I am so glad that you were brave enough and willing to share this with your readers, though I got help for my childhood issues they creep back from time to time and I deal with it in similer ways and it really does help to have someone to talk to.

Many Blessings

AmethJera said...

The more of "us" that come forward, the better life will be for next one of "us". Talking about it helps. Where I lived, it seems the whole neighborhood was in on the conspiracy. What I can tell from both childhood recollection and talking with friends I had as a kid growing up after we became adults, this type of abuse was not only rampant,it was the norm and not the exception where I lived.Everyone kept the big secret because everyone was abusing their kids in some way. I wasn't sexually abused, but I sure got the hell beat out of me on a regular schedule for the tiniest perceived infraction. There were a lot of injuries-I was a 'clumsy' child. It took me a long time and getting away from home to realize this is not normal, that we should have never been treated that way.

Diandra said...

This is a difficult story to share. And you are right, ALL of your experiences make you who you are today.

Sosanna said...

Thanks so much for the wonderful comments and emails that have come in. I appreciate each and every one of them. I'm hoping that adding these posts from time to time will help someone out there. Again thanks so much

Blessed Be.

Anonymous said...

Much love and light to you and hugs from my inner child to yours. Abuse manifests in so many ways... My inner child loves your toy collection. I champion mine with my Alice in Wonderland collection, and a nice BIG box of crayons and coloring books. Love. Healing. Magic.

Brightest Blessings, sister.


btd. said...

I did not have a great childhood also. I can relate. I love that you have a section for her in your house. That's amazing! Stay strong. :)

Salem Witch Child said...

((HUGS)) for you. I think its a very good idea to buy your inner child little toys. And I love your suggestion for having crayons and coloring pages. I admit, I love to color sometimes. And your right, its to please my inner childhood self.

I grew up in a home with turmoil. I did have some abuse. Though nothing as bad as what you suffered. I'm sure by sharing your story someone out there will be helped.