Embrace the Sparkle - We're BAAAAACK

I've got a lot going on in my head today.  I've had several ideas for the blog post today and each one is pretty dang good if I do say so myself.  However I just can’t decide what I want to post on.  I made an amazing dinner last night and took step by step photos.  I was going to share that with you today.  But somehow I’m just not feeling it.

Then it’s Veteran’s Day.  I like this day.  When I was in the fifth grade at Eastern Wayne, I won classroom essay of the year and was awarded a certificate for an essay I wrote about Veteran’s Day.  I was very proud of that.  I even had to walk up on stage in an assembly.  This was huge for me, as I felt only a mediocre student.  My younger sister was the honor student with all the A’s and perfect all the time. She was the pretty one, I was plain. It was my one moment to shine.  I treasured it.  Again, something dear to me but somehow just not the topic I wanted to present today.

Photo Credit - Portrait - Renee Olson

I've come up with a new idea for a series of children’s books that I am going to co-write with my best friend and soul mate, my hubby.  It’s a darling idea that we came up with together as a way to help others learn about not only my religion but his lack of religion.  We’re really excited about it and may even just create an eBook and sell it ourselves.  Yet, again it just doesn't seem to fit into the day.

I've got a lot on my mind.  It’s coming into the holiday season.  That time of year when most are celebrating the joyous times, be it with friends and family or in self-reflection.  We've chatted many times before about my childhood and it seems that when we get closer to Thanksgiving and then rolling right into Christmas my manias tend to get a bit more frequent and my “sparkle” as I like to call it; rears its head and I change a bit.  My eyes tend to glaze over and I start to revert.  I’m more easily distracted by ‘shiny things’ and my brain starts going, what seems like a million miles an hour. 

Here’s a few family pictures of the holidays, I’m the oldest female child in these pics.  You can tell from my face something just isn't right.

Photo Credit - Jean Wiggs - Photographer

Photo Credit - Charlie Wiggs - Photographer

Photo Credit - Charlie Wiggs - Photographer

During this time I’m extremely creative and I feel as if there’s nothing in the world I can’t do.  My powers are all encompassing and all knowing.  Then, I crash.  I don’t see it.  I don’t know it.  I only realize it after it’s over.
Photo Credit - Renee Olson - Photographer

My thoughts will jump about and be sometimes random.  Sometimes I will be blunt or say things that seem a bit out of character for me.  It’s like Hyperactivity in Retrograde.  J

The main thing that keeps coming back into my mind today is my weight.  I’m back in my 14/16 jeans now.  10s long a thing of the past.  I can’t seem to just stay a small size.  I get there, and then bounce back.  Sure I could start exercising again.  That’s really all that’s changed.  I still eat really good food and I don’t eat crap.  I've just stopped working out.  And I don’t want to work out.  I want to be OK with who I am right now.  I need to be OK with that.  I prefer women with meat on their bones.  Nothing against you skinny girls out there, Goddess love you that you have the ability to maintain that form, but for me I’m more interested in curves. 

That may be where my downfall lies.  To me curves equal sexy.  But when I look in the mirror all I hear is that voice shouting at me.  Over and over, louder and louder….  Some of you out there may hear it too. 
So I sit here.  Thinking about my size, my shape …

Hubby has told me over and over that he loves me, no matter my size but is indeed more attracted to me at this size than when I was smaller.  He wants me happy.  I get that.  I want that.

Photo Credit - Elijah Olson - Photographer

So what do we do from here?  No clue.  I know I usually end my entries with a positive affirmation or some quip that will basic say, TAKE THAT WORLD.  Today I have nothing.   Just me sitting alone with my thoughts, looking for answers and hoping for the best.

Next time maybe I’ll add that new recipe.

Namaste & Blessed Be

1 comment

petoskystone said...

As you know, sanity is for underachievers. One path to immortality is live a life worth telling stories about. So, light that sparkle...coax it into a bonfire, & roast marshmallows over it. Leave your children/family/friends/the ravens a reason to say " I wish you would have known Renee...every November she'd start.....". ;)